I’m so sorry my friends for my absence and lack of attendance to this
blog the past few weeks. I’ve mentioned before that I am a self-employed woman
and my business is subject to the vicissitudes of the economic market. My
reality is that in light of our global situation, I am losing my business. It’s
not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. While others are complaining of
boredom, I have been working as many hours as I can to eek out a final few
projects before it all goes away, most likely for several years. It’s survival
right now, but I suspect soon I will have much more time to speak about
betrayal trauma. I look forward to communing then. You have all been close in
my heart and my prayers. I send heartfelt well wishes.
I did want to pop on and implore any who might read this to hang in there. The emotional grief of betrayal trauma combined with worries for our personal health and that of those we love and possible financial ruin is a great burden indeed. Honor that pain. It is real and should be felt. In my mind, it must come down to the simple fact that Heavenly Father is in charge. Always and forever. Sometimes I forget that truth and want to control and influence in places I shouldn’t. This always sends me into the emotional weeds. In order to remind myself of this conviction, each morning as I stretch after exercising I go into the child’s pose and repeat this mantra in my mind:
Be still.
Be humble.
Heavenly Father is in His heaven.
Let him be.
I KNOW that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I KNOW that we are going
to get through this – the sun will shine again and someday this will be only a
bad memory, but hopefully one we will have learned from. I KNOW the only
respite we have from fear and uncertainty is to lay our burden at our savior’s
feet. He understands everything and has personally experienced all that we do
during our mortal journey. I KNOW we are never alone.
On Thursday, I returned home from a short vacation with my kids. Of course the virus was in the news before we left, but it was not a serious issue yet. We returned home after a wonderful time together and it felt like we entered a war zone. I ventured out to the stores yesterday to pick up the things from my lengthy shopping list. I don’t stock up on perishables before I go out of town because why buy things that will just spoil? In addition, since I might be moving in the near future, I have been actively reducing my food storage so I don’t have to transport it. I had heard the lines in the stores were crazy, so I felt pleasantly surprised when I saw the normal amount of cars in the parking lot. I walked in to see the produce section quite well stocked and heaved a sigh of relief. Everything was going to be okay.
But then, I started to walk up and down the aisles. The milk and egg coolers were barren. The aisle that normally contains soups literally had nothing on it. I have lived through a lot in my life, including natural disasters, but I have never seen shelves empty to this level before. My heart began to accelerate as I abandoned my list and began to wander the aisles aimlessly looking for anything that I needed.
Virtually nothing.
I began to get that alternatively hot and cold feeling racing down my spine. I’m sure there is a medical term for this sensation, but I like to call these the “creepy crawlies”. I went into full-on panic mode. Was my family going to be okay? How long was it going to be until there was food on the shelves again? Then, my mental frenzy became more global. Surely, this kind of event was going to cause the economic free fall we’ve anticipated looming on the horizon. My business would most likely implode immediately. And I had a house to buy in the next nine months. How would I do that if my business went away? How would I sell my home if the housing market shut down due to economic worries like it did during the last recession?
By the time I got home with my meager spoils, I had transitioned out of panic mode and moved into a spot I find quite comfortable: poor me mode. Why does my life have to be so difficult? Why do I have to navigate everything by myself? Why did I have to marry a man who is so awful, even after we are divorced? How come I have to live without security and peace in my life? Don’t I at least live a life worthy of that? Seriously, what did I do to deserve my miserable existence?!
Yesterday was a fearful day. This morning found me searching the scriptures for verses that would calm me and put me back in a healthy mindset. I eventually found my way to 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
Yes, these are scary times and it is possible that I might temporarily lose a lot of my income. Of course it might become almost impossible to sell my home if our economy falters. Those are terrifying unknowns. In times like these, which we all will experience, I must turn my mind to what I do know. I know that Heavenly Father is in charge of my life. I know that He perfectly understands my pain and worry. I know He cares and is blessing my journey. I know that I would rather live every terrible and frightening day alone than with a man who hides in a disingenuous life. I know the Spirit can dwell unconstrained in my home because there is no one actively mocking God, affecting everyone with his sin. Those are things I can rest on while the world goes mad around me.
I am going to do everything in my power to keep my family afloat. I will work hard at the business I have now. When supplies return to normal, I am going to beef up my food storage. If I have to move it, so be it. I will continue to live a frugal life. More on point, I will be on guard for the messages of the adversary. He delights when I transition into that scared, lonely, confused, and helpless woman. When I forget I have power. That’s a big win for him. But most importantly, I am going to pray more fervently, listen more carefully, and diligently build my faith levels. I become scared when I think I have to figure this out all on my own. I can’t do this by myself, and I don’t want to try. When panic takes over, I can take a deep breath and remind myself to lean on my heavenly helpers, because they never fail me. Heavenly Father does not desire for me to live in fear; He alone gives me everything I need to navigate the vicissitudes of my life.
I promised awhile back, after processing some darker feelings through my blog posts, that I was going to keep an eye out for miracles and post about those as well. I have no doubt that miracles exist everywhere in my life and that angels surround me. It is up to me to be in tune, or not. Today, I want to note a seemingly tiny miracle, but one I am incredibly grateful for.
When I first found out about my husband’s sexual addiction, I went through the normal, devastating emotions of shock, denial, anger, bargaining, etc. However, as I worked and worked in an attempt to try to understand my new reality and how to get better, I realized that there were many layers to my recovery and multiples of trauma that I needed to mourn. One of those was my husband’s financially disingenuous behavior. When I discovered his porn usage and other ways he acted out, I realized that this involved a lot of hidden money. Even though my kids were small, I always worked, even if just part-time. Prior to discovery, it seemed like we never quite made ends meet. I would try to pick up extra freelance work and always operated our household as frugally as possible. When I discovered that the truth of our financial struggles lay mainly at the feet of my husband, who had been consistently hiding and siphoning off money, it was another unfathomable betrayal in my already complex network of grief.
At that time in my life, I had decided to stay married to Cory because I believed and hoped his earnest protestations that he had changed and would continue to evolve as a man of God. I felt terrified, unsure, and definitely had not surrendered the illusion of control in his recovery. I had always kept ahold of the reins of our finances, but I went into hyper-drive, obsessively accounting for literally every penny that went in and out of our home. I spent hours over my Excel spreadsheets reckoning and reconciling. I figured that if I could track the minutia of expenditures, I could control his addiction.
How wrong I was. I knew my husband was gifted, but I had no concept of what he could accomplish when he combined his intellect and desire to sexually act out. Of course, the money manipulation never stopped, it just became more deeply hidden and grew exponentially as the years went by.
Last night, I mobile deposited a check for thirteen dollars and change. As soon as the deposit was accepted, I made my way to my computer to note that tiny addition to my income. And then I stopped…and I realized that I don’t have to obsessively track thirteen dollars, because I don’t have anyone in my life who is stealing from me. Nobody is taking the funds I am saving for my daughter’s college education and spending it in strip clubs. I’m not figuring out how to buy groceries while the man I should trust with everything in my life is dating other women. My heart swelled with joy as I halted my progress toward the computer. I’m free!
Of course, I still budget and watch my finances, but what an indescribable blessing in my life that I can work hard for my money and that no one is going to use my own drive and ambition to cheat on me ever again. It is beautiful and I thank the heavens for reminding me of a miracle that might seem small, but is actually huge in my recovery.
