I am Not a God of Fear

On Thursday, I returned home from a short vacation with my kids. Of course the virus was in the news before we left, but it was not a serious issue yet. We returned home after a wonderful time together and it felt like we entered a war zone. I ventured out to the stores yesterday to pick up the things from my lengthy shopping list. I don’t stock up on perishables before I go out of town because why buy things that will just spoil? In addition, since I might be moving in the near future, I have been actively reducing my food storage so I don’t have to transport it. I had heard the lines in the stores were crazy, so I felt pleasantly surprised when I saw the normal amount of cars in the parking lot. I walked in to see the produce section quite well stocked and heaved a sigh of relief. Everything was going to be okay.

But then, I started to walk up and down the aisles. The milk and egg coolers were barren. The aisle that normally contains soups literally had nothing on it. I have lived through a lot in my life, including natural disasters, but I have never seen shelves empty to this level before. My heart began to accelerate as I abandoned my list and began to wander the aisles aimlessly looking for anything that I needed.

Virtually nothing.

I began to get that alternatively hot and cold feeling racing down my spine. I’m sure there is a medical term for this sensation, but I like to call these the “creepy crawlies”. I went into full-on panic mode. Was my family going to be okay? How long was it going to be until there was food on the shelves again? Then, my mental frenzy became more global. Surely, this kind of event was going to cause the economic free fall we’ve anticipated looming on the horizon. My business would most likely implode immediately. And I had a house to buy in the next nine months. How would I do that if my business went away? How would I sell my home if the housing market shut down due to economic worries like it did during the last recession?

By the time I got home with my meager spoils, I had transitioned out of panic mode and moved into a spot I find quite comfortable: poor me mode. Why does my life have to be so difficult? Why do I have to navigate everything by myself? Why did I have to marry a man who is so awful, even after we are divorced? How come I have to live without security and peace in my life? Don’t I at least live a life worthy of that? Seriously, what did I do to deserve my miserable existence?!

Yesterday was a fearful day. This morning found me searching the scriptures for verses that would calm me and put me back in a healthy mindset. I eventually found my way to 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Yes, these are scary times and it is possible that I might temporarily lose a lot of my income. Of course it might become almost impossible to sell my home if our economy falters. Those are terrifying unknowns. In times like these, which we all will experience, I must turn my mind to what I do know. I know that Heavenly Father is in charge of my life. I know that He perfectly understands my pain and worry. I know He cares and is blessing my journey. I know that I would rather live every terrible and frightening day alone than with a man who hides in a disingenuous life. I know the Spirit can dwell unconstrained in my home because there is no one actively mocking God, affecting everyone with his sin. Those are things I can rest on while the world goes mad around me.

I am going to do everything in my power to keep my family afloat. I will work hard at the business I have now. When supplies return to normal, I am going to beef up my food storage. If I have to move it, so be it. I will continue to live a frugal life. More on point, I will be on guard for the messages of the adversary. He delights when I transition into that scared, lonely, confused, and helpless woman. When I forget I have power. That’s a big win for him. But most importantly, I am going to pray more fervently, listen more carefully, and diligently build my faith levels. I become scared when I think I have to figure this out all on my own. I can’t do this by myself, and I don’t want to try.  When panic takes over, I can take a deep breath and remind myself to lean on my heavenly helpers, because they never fail me. Heavenly Father does not desire for me to live in fear; He alone gives me everything I need to navigate the vicissitudes of my life.