A little over a year ago, when my divorce was fresh, I would often stop in the middle of an ordinary task and wonder aloud, “How did I get here?” It seemed impossible that my temple marriage of twenty-nine years was just…over. I made sure to fill my days with much activity, so there wasn’t much time to ruminate, but in the quiet of the night, I suffered greatly. Calm rest and happy dreams became things I felt sure I would never enjoy again, something then unappreciated that now seemed like a luxury. Each night, as the dark hours inched by, my brain tormented me with questions of how I would survive emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially in the months and years to follow. Would I ever be whole again? Would my kids be okay? And as the behavior of my narcissistic ex devolved into the cruel and calculated “discard” phase, as narcissists are wont to do, I fell farther and farther down a gulf of grief and disbelief.

At a certain point, I became desperate for sleep. I had to find a way to turn my mind off and I did not want to resort to sleeping pills. So I began to play a mental game I called “what if…?” Instead of dwelling on all the terrible things that might befall me, I repeated positive “what if…?” statements in my mind:

What if…I established and enforced strong boundaries such that my ex’s mind games were no longer allowed in my life?

What if…I was able to continue to grow my business such that I would become a wholly self-sufficient woman?

What if…I successfully taught myself how to be father and mother to my children, including all the now-overwhelming chores around the house and yard?

What if…I found genuine peace through the only true, lasting way – the atonement of Jesus Christ?

Rehearsing those affirming what ifs in my mind saved me. Thinking of potential positive outcomes for my life allowed me to at least fall into the respite of sleep I so desperately needed. These weren’t fake, fairy tale fantasies that a mind in denial makes up. These were beautiful, uplifting scenarios I could reasonably expect to happen at some point in the future. And, indeed, many of them did come true.

As I have grown and healed, I have found the need to play the “what if…?” game has decreased, until recently. I am located in Northern Utah and between Covid-19 and a major earthquake a few weeks ago, I once again found myself suffering panic episodes rather than sleeping. I’ve stated before that my business thrives only when the economy is strong. On top of everything else, I lost the majority of my income stream literally overnight. I’m not entirely sure how I am going to take care of my girls. Nor do I know how I am going to purchase a house as required this year.

Enter the “what if…?” game yet again.

What if…all of the frightening events of late are in part taking place because Heavenly Father has a higher plan for me?

What if…I wouldn’t be able to hear an incredible message designed specifically for me during my normally busy work life?

What if…I looked back on this time years from now and blessed the adversity because it helped me to grow into what I am meant to be?

Focusing on these, again true and realistic, statements has transformed my quarantine and economic downturn into a time of quiet introspection and communication with a power much greater than myself. My “what if…?” has provided me hope and meaning during an unprecedented time of trial and testing.