Terminator Ex

I am not what you would call a highbrow kind of gal, but I do love all the arts. Opera. Symphony. Theater. I suppose because duality makes folks more interesting, I also love things that do not fall anywhere in the arts category. Like demolition derbies.

And the Terminator movies.

I know, I know. The premise is ridiculous, the acting atrocious. Maybe the allure is because I adore the complexity of stories about time travel (still trying to figure out a way to have that work for me) but I was a huge consumer of the early Terminator movies.

Now, I’m not such a devoted fan because I have a Terminator ex-husband.

If you have seen the movies, there is that scene in the initial one where the Terminator leans in and with a menacing expression promises, “I’ll be back.” Well, my Terminator ex, he’ll be back…and back…and back.

I think we all hope that if we find it necessary to end our marriages, we can let each other go with love and an aim of forgiveness. Sure it’s sad it didn’t work out, but if nothing else but for the sake of the children, let’s metaphorically shake hands and wish each other love and light.

My ex-husband is a narcissist. Narcissists don’t let go. They don’t kindly shake hands, metaphorically or otherwise. Because these are vicious emotional vampires who do not like to lose. They can’t live with the fact that their exs now stand for themselves, are becoming strong, and are finally able to clear away the fog to discern through the nonsense.

When I first separated with my now-ex after months of him refusing to move out of our home (that’s a subject worthy of its own entire post), I could not initially distance myself emotionally. I had two self-destructive aims. First, I wanted to get some kind of rise out of the man. A hint of angst for destroying our decades-long marriage? Maybe one tear? Gosh, even the glimmer of sincere show sorrow?!

Unrealistic and unrealized expectations.

The second thing was that I kept looking to him to answer the why of what he did. How could he turn his back on his own children? How could he leave his family and rush into the next relationship with literally anyone who would engage with him on dating apps without a backward glance? I was not well enough at the time to see how fruitless it was to ask for rational answers from a man steeped in the insanity of addiction.

But I learned.

Eventually I saw the psychologically critical need I had to distance myself from his madness. The second he sensed me drifting away, he went into panic mode. The manipulation and cruelty, all packaged up in niceness, rocketed to a whole new level. Like, for example, when he had a rental car company leave a voice mail on my phone to confirm that my “family-sized van” was ready to pick up. Yep, he definitely wanted me to know that one month after our divorce finalized he was taking his girlfriend and her whole family on a trip to California.

Over time, I healed and I learned about boundaries. It was tough to let go of the control I thought I had, but I set rock-solid rules of how he could and could not engage with me. He is not allowed to contact me in any way except if it has to do with the division of our assets or our children. He can’t even text me to wish me a happy birthday. As his control over me started to fade, he did the only thing left—he turned on the children, because that is a great way to trigger me into defense mode. He is an absolute emotional brute to our kids, but couches his behavior in language of he is “just being sensitive to their needs”. When the kids see him and come home upset, it almost kills me to not defend them, but confronting him does nothing except to add fuel to his narcissistic fire. I have to remind myself that when you have no empathy, you don’t care that your children despise you and that you’ve lost their trust. My comments do nothing to change him or help him see some kind of a healing light.

I’ve come to realize that like the Terminator, who couldn’t be reasoned with or couldn’t be bargained with, my ex is going to attempt to punish me for the rest of my life. But my strong boundaries are barriers that block him at every turn. Terminators can be rendered powerless! We can transform from victims to victors!